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Match Q067 - Qualifying Round
Northern Paladins defeats Knights of Camelot 56-31
Review by Ducky Tank
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As I watched the fun-loving Finns (Northern Paladins) face the high-spirited Brazilians (Knights of Camelot), I was at a complete and utter loss at how to describe the series. Suddenly, in a divine intervention, the powers that be found me watching Loony Tunes at the stroke of midnight.

This particular cartoon was about a donkey. Actually, it was a very special donkey, as it had a house and clothes and everything. So one day this donkey walks outside, beaming pride from every orifice, as he donates some rubber to the "scrap rubber drive" (apparently that's the "big thing" among donkeys these days). So anyway, he dumps his prized collection by the street side for pickup, but suddenly notices that everybody in the entire neighborhood has donated piles of the stuff (those wasteful beasts!!). The story really picks up when the showed-up donkey walks into his back yard, and finds a piece of rubber sticking out of the ground. The rest of the episode is filled with hilarious hijinks when the donkey tries to pull it out. When the donkey fails the first zillion times, he gets creative, and the possibilities are just endless!

Well that's about it (I kinda stopped watching after that. To my dismay, when I woke up, my screen was filled with the rampant no-good do-gooders: Scooby and the gang! This week, starring Josie and the Pussycats! (there is no god) ohhhhh Scoobydoobydoo where are you? "Ruh Roh!"). So anyway, this match is just like that donkey cartoon, in that it made no sense, and lots and lots and LOTS of hilarious hijinks were involved.

Mostly, both teams seemed to have a rather good time, which was really great to see, spiting the lag demons and all

Game One - [Stampede] [Desert]

This was by far the best game in the match. Definitely a film worth watching.

Rabican the Zany and his team of six Fighting Finns faces SamuraiVesgo the Thorough and his squad of four Battling Brazilians. There is a third team present; the two-man Server Observer team, capped by Sir Robyn the Nuts and staffed by Hannibal the Laughing .

Np trades for max pigs and 4 wights of puss, KoC trades for max ghols, pigs, and warrs (while not getting puss), and Syn trades beanie babies.

Rabican makes the funniest comment in planning time, saying "lollero Jush" : P The syn duo spend the three minutes doodling on the minimap, writing gratuitous drawings of gibberish, penises, common curse acronyms, and a little upside-down face. KoC says "mauriac" a few times, and I search the names of their warriors to see what's so funny about him... only to realize that Mauriac is one of the KoC players. oops. Migraine gives us a "m000(tm)" and the game is on.

Np goes with a good 'ole trusty 3-prong, but it's all dashed to hell in moments as KoC goes for THE SOUTH JUGGERNAUT TO BEAT ALL JUGGERNAUTS!!! Syn notices the juggernaut first (go figure), and subsequently writes "GG Pants" on the minimap.

Np's North accompanies its pigs across the border to a free score. Np's mid sends its pigs along with North for the free score. Poor Dante drew the small straw, and as he becomes the first to see the massive tidal wave of warriors and ghols, he absentmindedly sends his pigs back to home base while he does what he can to deal with the threat.

Dante's ploy is basically hopeless with the onslaught and subsequent massacre, yet he does manage to cause numerous hilarious explosions (satchels included) that tear into the swarm.

Meanwhile, Rabican holds the potential to decide the game, as his two puss ghols go on a breakaway, and split off; one leading the pursuers away, another heading straight for the pigs. Np has to kill a single pig to come out victorious. Here it comes... Rab breaks left...he breaks right... HE THROWS!!! OHHH what a dodge! headbanger just barely moved his pigs as the puss sails over their heads, bounces once, and plops into the deep pool, to be found at some later date by a member of the Thrall Historical Society.

With the Np mid not catching up to Dante in time, his loss brings us to 83% to 83%! AND KoC PUSHES ONWARD!!!

Meanwhile, Antero, Johannes, Pauli, Jorma, Olli, Ilkka, Jyrki, Hannu, Pentti, and Mikael (Dante's pigs) have finally set off for the flags! But KoC has a huge head start on them; Np MUST kill one pig to win!!! (oh, the suspense!)

As Vesgo and his ghols/duffs, Marcolin with his warriors, and Mauriac with his arcs all desperately keep the Np middle (Jush, Finkiller, & Creme) at bay, A WHOLE LOT OF HILARIOUS EXPLOSIONS ENSUE!!! Thus giving everybody present a good hearty laugh.

Uh oh! Here comes Rabican's other puss!!! (oh by the way, in case you were wondering what happened to the other 3 wights of puss, Creme used em to insinuate a good portion of the hilarious kabooms. Thanks Creme! =P) Rab once again does his breakaway, closing within range of the pigs... headbanger desperately sends his blocking warrior!...Rabican throws!!!...PAST the warrior!!!!!... onto empty ground. Ooops :)

The aforementioned hilarious kerplooies left a wide berth between Np's occupied forces and KoC's scrambling pork herd. Taking advantage of the free lane that the powers that be hath granted him, headbanger moves on to score ALL THIRTY PIGS. Tons of lols pop up from all sides, even a "GG LOL" on the minimap.

In the aftermath, Dante moves his pigs to finish the score, and KoC puts a dampener on the 'ole ratios by destroying many things south. The game closes around Migraine's final, unscored pig, "pork," as the little tyke runs around in circles 3 times before teleporting away.

KoC wins desert, 30 pigs to 30. All I have to say is... LOL

Game Two - [Territories] [Trow]

We have a new host for this one, and KoC hosts the last 2 games in the series. Being many leagues apart, you can figure how horrible this fares for Np, but they get over it like good sports and play on.

After Rab and Vesgo do their captainly duties, I notice that Jushius always tends to name his units (cool =), this time sporting "KUMI KAMELI" on all his troops. After some confusing Finnish, I think somebody accused Rab of pulling his strategy out of his arse, causing Rabican to reply "dont question my anus :(" Fire then names his two trow: "MIG ===> 0:kerma" and "RABS ANUS". hehe.

The game is on, and both teams interestingly split up in VERY SIMILAR TWO PRONGS, each with 3 trow mid, 2 trow north, and 0 units south :P. Jushius gets to execute Np's nifty trow feint, as Np's mid push retreats as quickly as it came, and Jush "retreating" to KoC's north. KoC notices, and Mauriac sends his myrks on the chase, and even though Np has TONS MORE MELEE, they apparently can't coordinate the attack, possibly due to across-the-sea delay or possibly just sheer silliness.

SO, while North is taking a bit more time to crush than usual, the Np mid is just a tad overwhelmed, although KoC opts to dance with artillery rather than rush in and kill stuff gud.

Up north, Migraine saves the day when his mort convinces two enemy myrks to take up the Finnish banner and assassinate their teammate's warlock. Jush finally starts kicking, and all but the trow get kicked. Headbanger retreats his two trow to the southeast corner of the map.

Meanwhile, mid is having some coordination problems, and Rabican fills himself with MURDEROUS RAGE!!! Fortunately though, despite Np losing a whole lot of crap to Vesgo's three trow, Jushius and Fire wipe out the KoC mid while Vesgo was away.

Well actually, that thing I said about the Np mid? Migraine actually DID survive, and he added a very humorous point to the game shortly thereafter. At this point, KoC has 5 trow and one other unit, all the trow being weaker than Np's weakest trow. However, as the ever-lovable Migraine soon finds out, that other a wight :). Goodnight, nurse!

With plenty of time left, Np refuses to tag for a while and hunts down the hapless trow in fits of homicidal vengeance. After killing a couple of them, they finally get tired and bag the 6-flag

Game Three - [Flag Rally] [Cracks]

Going for fresh and exciting new captains, Np picks Rab , and KoC picks Vesgo ! er...

A new surprise greets me at planning time, as Np breaks out in tons and tons of english. Mostly a whole lot of cursing and bad moods and everybody hates everybody else sorta stuff. Fortunately for the team, they kiss and make up (awwww ;P), and are back to talking finnish (rats) before ptime runs out, proving once and for all that Finnish is the one tru language o' luv =).

Np does a 6-squad strategy with boss-man Rabican giving directions, while KoC sets up all their artillery on the fort, and sends out ghol packs and a pack of stygs. Hey, it didn't work for twd, so it's BOUND to work for someone, right?

With Rabican drawing several directive lines on the minimap, making it easy for me to see everything (thanks!), Np traps the gholpacks before they even cross the halfway mark, and those fuzzy little cuties litter the ground in shambles. KoC's stygpack turns out to be oddly defensive, posting themselves on the east outer flag. Creme chases away the massive stygs with his cocktail totin' duff.

Np closes in on the base, utterly surrounding them with more neat lines by Rab, making the game look really cool. Np closes in on the base, discussing Phod while Rab pushes and retreats various squads.

Jushius is the first to break through, followed shortly thereafter by Dante and Creme. After a WHOLE LOT OF HILARIOUS EXPLOSIONS which thankfully seem to be the theme of this match =), Np closes in on and utterly destroys the KoC defensive force.

Unfortunately for Np, the game doesn't end there, SamuraiVesgo holds a contest with his two surviving ghols, and 3 escaped stygs (escaped from the fortress massacre) run up to one of Np's forward flags. Rabican, meanwhile, has taken Migraine's weakened dorf all the way back from the fight, racing to help out the 1 warrior, 1 thrall defense. Long story short, Vesgo bags the flag right before Rabican bags the styg :). Oh well.

Good games all around, quite funny :)
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