 | Homer: We’re getting’ out of here, now! Jump in, Marge, trust me! Throw the kids – no time for the baby! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ School doctor: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there’s nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyant homosexual tendencies as your son. (while looking at Milhouse’s folder) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Zombie Dr. Hibbert: In the midst of all the killing and skin-eating, somehow we forgot the love. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Security Salesman: But surely you can’t put a price on your family’s lives. Homer: I wouldn’t have thought so either, but here we are. Homer: I don’t have to be careful, I got a gun. Lenny: Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they’re manufactured for a reason: to take out today’s modern superanimals, such as the flying squirrel and the electric eel. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Homer: I don’t know, Marge. Trying is the first step towards failure. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Homer: Carnies built this country, the carnival part of it, anyway. And though they may be ratlike in appearance, they are truly kings among men. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Homer: (to a parrot) That’s where you’re wrong, pal. It’s not enough to want a cracker, you have to earn it. Bart: What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals. Homer: Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn’t have caught him. Marge: (in an attempt to distract Homer) Look, Homer – here’s that bird you like to argue with! Homer: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Professor Know-It-All. Excuse me, Marge. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Homer: To Marge and all the blissful years I spent hiding from her in this bar. Homer: I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk. Moe: No girl wants to end up with a Joe Pukepail like me. Homer: Now, now, I won’t hear of it, Moe – You’re a fabulous catch! Moe: Oh yeah? Well, uh, how come I ain’t fending off movie stars with a pointy stick? Homer: Oh, it’s probably due to your ugliness, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find you a woman. C’mon, we’re going to the darkest bar in town! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bart: (on When Buildings Collapse) The best part was when the buildings fell down. Apu: Come one, come all! See the amazing frozen man! Also gaze at the Frito found in a bag of Doritos. Marvel at the floor that just won’t come clean. Homer: Marge, get me your address book, four beers, and my conversation hat. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (on what taxes pay for) Ned: Why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine, and let’s not forget the folks who just don’t feel like workin’, God Bless ‘em! Mr. Burns: Well, if it’s a crime to love one’s country, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I’m guilty of that, too. And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I’ll soon be guilty of that. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Homer: Stupid trash… rotton, stinking… hate world, revenge soon… take out everyone… Marge: Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me again. Homer: That’s not the way she tells it. Trash Commissioner Ray Patterson: You told people I lured children into my gingerbread house. Homer: Yeah, that was just a lie. Carl: Homer’s a great nuclear safety inspector but I don’t know if I trust him with my garbage. Marge: Homer, this has gone far enough. Will you please just apologize to the garbagemen? Lisa: Yeah, Dad. You’re always telling me or Bart to apologize. Homer: Yeah, but I’m always secretly disappointed when you do. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Rod: I pick my dad! Do you wanna play ‘Capture The Flag’, Daddy? Ned: Sports on a Sunday. Hmm, I bet check with Reverend- Lovejoy: Oh, just play the damn game, Ned! Homer: Oh, Marge! How could you let me let myself go like this! Marge: Me? I’m not the one who puts butter in your coffee! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Homer: What do you say, honey? Feelin’ stupid? I know I am! Homer: I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Chief Wiggum: Boy, I’ll tell ya. They only come at night. Or, in this case, uh, the daytime. Homer: When you think about it, mud is nothin’ but wet dirt. Marge: When we got married, is this how you thought we’d be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to trade in a refrigerator motor? Homer: Eh, I never thought I’d live this long. Homer: It hasn’t changed since that magical evening when I knocked you up. (inside golf course windmill) Sideshow Mel: Dear Lord! Look at that blimp! He’s hanging from a balloon. Marge: You don’t think there’s anything wrong with what we’re doing, do you? Homer: I don’t think anything I’ve ever done is wrong. Homer: Sorry, guys. Marge and I are spending the weekend at a bed and breakfast. Carl: Oh, tryin’ to jumpstart the ol’ marriage, huh? Lenny: Can I come? Homer: Naw, it’d just be awkward. What with the sex and all. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Homer: Without the grease, all you can taste is the hog anus. (on Apu cleaning the hot-dog machine) Homer: This is where all the hard work, sacrifice, and painful scaldings pay off. Homer: Lisa, I can’t imagine anyone being more likable than you. But apparently, this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way. Lisa: But Dad- Homer: Uh-uh! Think, ‘is that what Alex would say?’ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Homer: This is the most exciting thing I’ve seen since Halley’s Comet collided with the moon. Skinner: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend! Lisa: But isn’t that a bit shortsighted? What happens when we’re overrun by lizards? Skinner: No problem. We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They’ll wipe out the lizards. Lisa: But aren’t the snakes even worse? Skinner: Yes, but we’re prepared for that. We’ve lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat. Lisa: But then we’re stuck with gorillas! Skinner: No, that’s the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around the gorillas simply freeze to death. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Moe: Oh god, you smokers disgust me. Hey Apu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis? Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass? Marge: (voice over) I tried to resist, but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques. Kang: Look behind you! (As Marge turns, Kang pulls out a device and shoots her with a beam of blue light) Kang: Insemination complete! Marge: Really? That seemed awfully quick. Kang: What are you implying? Marge: I can’t believe it. Jerry Springer didn’t solver our conflict. Lisa: And now he’s dead. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Unknown: You can’t drive a boat drunk, Homer. Homer: That sounds like a wager to me! Homer: If celebrities didn’t want people pawing through their garbage and saying they’re gay, they shouldn’t have tried to express themselves creatively. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Homer: Homer Simpson does not like twice on the same form. He never has, and he never will. Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application. Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Grampa Simpson: How long do I have to live, Doc? Dr. Hibbert: I’m amazed you’re alive now. Captain McCallister: Welcome aboard the ship of… lost souls! Homer: The name on the back says Honeybunch. McCallister: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to paint that over. Homer: The Sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains – I hate them so much! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mayor Quimby: (at a sci-fi convention) Welcome futurists, cyberphiles, and the rest of you dateless wonders… Comic Book Guy: Tell me, how do you feel about forty-five-year-old virgins who still live with their parents? Nerdy Woman: Comb the Sweetarts out of your beard, and you’re on. Comic Book Guy: Don’t try to change me, baby. Quimby: You call yourselves bodyguards? You’re fired. Ernie: Fired, huh? Who else you gonna find to take a bullet for you? Big Tom: Or have his genitals hooked up to a car battery? Quimby: I’ll tell you who! Him! (points at Homer) Homer: Woo-hoo! Marge: Homer, I don’t think you were listening to what he just – Homer: I said, woo-hoo. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lenny: What’s your secret, Flanders? Goat placenta, monkey sweet? Carl: Some kind of electric hat? Moe: Holy water? It’s holy water, right? (splashes holy water in his face) Ahhh! It burns! Flanders: I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit, and I don’t remember a thing! Homer: Welcome to my world. Casino Manager: Someone dishonoring their marriage vows? Not in Las Vegas! Ned: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that voice that says ‘Think’? Homer: You mean Lisa? Ned: Oh no, I mean common sense. Homer: Oh, that. That can be treated with our good friend alcohol. You might want to write that down. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lisa: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad? Homer: Because I loved them once, and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to ya, sweetie. Never love anything. Lisa: Even you? Homer: Especially me. (on the Isotopes mid-season comeback) Moe: Yeah, that sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in disguise. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Homer: Hit the road, Gramps! This is a private skybox! Rupert Murdoch: I’m Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant, and this is my skybox. Wally: I’m sorry the guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom. Bus Driver: What bathroom? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G’s! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Marge: You cashed in your 401k to buy that stupid Canyonero. Why can’t you drive it? Homer: Are you saying I’m gay? Because if that’s what you think, then just come right out and say it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Marge: You agreed to spend one Saturday a month doing something with the kids. (Homer groans) Bart: Oh, quit complaining, it’s half the work of a divorced dad. Homer: Yeah, but it’s twice as much as a deadbeat dad. Lisa: How am I supposed to hallucinate with all these swirling colors distracting me? Repo Man: Hey, channel somebody who gives a damn. Homer: (touching the water in a Sensory Deprivation Tank) Oh, no. No freezing. Saleswoman: No, Mr. Simpson. This is a sensory deprivation tank. It blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls. Homer: Can you pee in it? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bart: I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed. Homer: What’s happening to me? There’s still food, but I don’t want to eat it. I’ve become everything I’ve ever hated. Bart: Dad, they’re trying to kill us! Homer: Oh, why do all my trips end like this? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Art Connoisseur: Your husband’s work is what we call ‘outsider art’. It could be by a mental patient or a hillbilly or a chimpanzee. Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to be a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee. Bart: Are you sure this is art, not vandalism? Homer: That’s for the courts to decide, son. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Grandpa Simpson: I haven’t felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mr.Burns: Simpson, I need your help, I want to be loved. Homer: I see. Well, I’ll need some beer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Homer: Wow, I can’t believe someone I never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me. Homer: (mistaking Stephen Hawking for Larry Flint) Larry flint is right! You guys stink! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ |
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